it's been...

"Dear big guy,
well i was thinking about it..and the reason i've been down all along,is i need to get some certain things out of myself.not just out of my life.maybe this is the reason i feel so damn great at pelio.because you are not there,and it's the same reason i feel so damn bad in my very own room.no matter how many great things happen,you are still there:photos,teddy bears,flower from first date,clothes.and a few days ago somebody told me i might just be the kind of girl that by the time a relationship has come to an end,has already torn the photos.I never tear anything apart.If i had i would probably be better.I don't even love you as a person the way you've turned out to be.And i might just get you out of my head if you keep treating me like thatthat's what i thought.It turned out differently.I Don't want to kiss you ever again.i don't see up to it.I know pretty well who makes me feel nice when kissing him.And i don't want to talk to you
Because to be perfectly honest,nothing you ever said interested me all that much.Unlike when i talk to him.He is damn interesting in a way you are never gonna know.I just sick for a "sorry" kitty i never meant to hurt you.Or an honest "yes i did miss you"or a"you know it got me sick you kissing that guy at the party".which is clearly something i'm never getting.i can see that now.I DON'T FEEL ANYTHING ABOUT YOU OR US ANYMORE.not for you anyway.yOU NEVER EXISTED IN MY HEAD.after break up it was not you i was missing.It was being with you.It was the relationship i was missing.Remember how when we were travelling you would put your palm over my eyes to prevent the light from waking me up?Or when in the boat you spent three hours doing nothing because i had fallen asleep with my head on your lap and you feared that if you moved i might wake up?And that time at Syros with the huge waves that you held me in your hug because they were about 2 metres tall and i was kind of afraid?Or the way i used to sit in your lap while you played the piano showing me that new thing you had come up with?Seriously.If we hadn't screwd it up this much we could still be hanging out together.I mean Ok we didn't match as two people for like..best friends(OR a relationship)but we sure had a wale of a fun.But what we did after break up was wrong.Seriously, after break up hanging secretally out together, what was that?And what does"I don't feel anything about you anymore i just can't replace the way you are kissing me with any other girl"mean?It means nothing to me.Really.That's what i told you on the phone.Let's call it off.Let's never go out again.And i don't feel any sad you know.
And in case you are wondering why this is on the net and not a proper letter on a paper like the ones i've been sending you.the answer is that on the net it's not all that personal,like a piece of paper smelling of me with my letters on it.(the ones you couldn't read anyway).And it's on this blog because i don't want to have to sent it to you on the msn.Because i don't feel like talking to you for one thing.Remember how anytime i wanted to complain about something i send you my own lyrics and you kept saying"don't give me lyrics.whatever it is that you need to say say it to my face"?That's another bit of me you never understood.I kept writing things down because i COULDN'T spell them out.We were as different as two people could ever be.I mean..i kept reading stuff and writing.And you hated reading.How could i ever be with a person who can't understand what i'm writing about or who gets bored on the second page of any book?shit.And when i actually cheated on you.It wasn't as if it was entirely my fault.And i won't blame the alcohol for what i did.I mean i was PERFECTLY aware of what i was doing it's just that our relationship was so screwd up the past few months that i couldn't take it.I just needed an excuse.
But you weren't fine either.I was being such a huge bitch in you.Being jelous over silly things or making a scene when you went out with your brain damaged fat girl friends(they hated me as hell).i was so tired of you that i made a scene about everything.And you had grown so tired of me that you helped create a scene the best you could.And remember how i requested you give me everything back when we broke up?my letters,our cards,the kitten card.That was because i felt disgusted of you reading the things i wrote when i love you now that i most certainly didn't.You brought them to me in a large envelope.You had kept even the wrapping of the chocolate we ate on your nameday that had our names written on it and other stuff by me like"torie baby..your little kitten".It was depressing.I had to send them back to you because they made me cry.
And remember how i burried your teddy bear in my back yard as a symbolic action of my letting you go?Well as if my kissing another person wasn't enough.Nena then came by and took it out of the ground cursing because she said destroying memories is WRONG.Nena also said-after my trying to harm myslef and her having to look after me-that i have to get you out of my life entirely but the only way i'm ever gonna forget you is by falling for someone better that you.And i think that you'll be glad to know (because deep down you feel nice when i am well)that i've found that.You know it turns out that for it to work two people need to have to share more than just loving each other.I am not any close to creating what i had with you.I don't want to create anything that big,for the moment at least.I just want to feel fine.And i'm feeling more than fine.
By the time you are back from holidays,you are already out of my life torie,and i am so damn sorry but i can't meet you anymore.Just like Lina said-the night i was crying at the beach after your phone call from Syros saying" i've already been to all the places we were together.I am staying in the same place.come here with me next year after graduating"(i am sorry but i'm not coming) -"you just can't transform any type of relationship unless you have kept it away from you for a long while.After that you can be friends".She is right.I once asked you if you could keep away from me for a little while because we are now forcing things we no more want juts to not let go.And your answer was do that yourself.If you don't wish to be here that's your desision.Well it's mine and i've made it.I'm sorry and i'll always paw in a Syros way which is something no one will ever know except for us.
wish you well tor
Natacat"

Fairy tales don't always have a happy ending
And i forsee the dark ahead if i stay...
I hope you know,I hope you know
that this has nothing to do with you
It's personal,myself and i
we've got some straightening out to do
and i'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket...

but i've got to move on with my life
it's time to be a big girl now
and big girls don't cry..

like a little school mate in the school yard
we'll play jacks and Uno cards
i'll be your best friend
and you'll be my valentine
yes,you can hold my hand if you want to
cause i(might)want to hold yours too
we'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds
but it's time for me to go home
It's getting late,dark outside
i need to be with myself in center,
clarity
peace
serenity...